


Crimes Against The Batfamily

by RagingBookDragon



Category: DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Family, Family Bonding, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Laughter, Playwriting, Please Forgive me, This is my first playscript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:22:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22298527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RagingBookDragon/pseuds/RagingBookDragon
Summary: A series of (unfortunate) events regarding 'crimes' in the Batfamily, ft. Bruce as a tired old man (father).
Kudos: 23





	Crimes Against The Batfamily

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever 'playscript', so please bear with me. I tried to make it as accurate as possible. This is from my Tumblr, 'RagingBookDragon', and I hope you enjoy! -Thorne <3

_(Record scratches as screen comes to life revealing Dick Grayson (Alias Nightwing) and Jason Todd (Alias Red Hood) both holding bloodied rags to their noses. A voice is heard off camera, Bruce Wayne (Alias Batman), causing the boys to roll their eyes.)_

**Batman:** This is incident number eleven of ‘Crimes Against The Batfamily’, parties consisting of Richard John Grayson and Jason Peter Todd, aliases Nightwing and Red Hood. _(Sound of voice has shifted, now directed at parties.)_ What caused the incident? _(The two boys glare at each other, neither speaking for a moment, then Red Hood shrugs and replies.)_

 **Red Hood:** _(Nonchalantly)_ I don’t know what exactly caused it, but Dickhead punched me and that’s all I know. _(Nightwing shouts in indirect anger, pointing at the other.)_

 **Nightwing:** _(Angrily)_ No! He called me a fuckboy and I responded! _(Red Hood rolls his eyes, looking off as he mutters under his breath.)_

 **Red Hood:** Classic trait of a fuckboy…they anger easily. _(Party turns to other, voice in mock sincereness.)_ Maybe you should go see a therapist about your anger issues Dickhead. It’s not nice to punch other people. _(Nightwing spins to look at the other, rising from his seat.)_

 **Nightwing:** _(Intimidatingly)_ You wanna see anger issues?! I’ll give you anger issues! _(Party launches itself at the other, and the two fall to the floor, shouts of anger and sounds of fists reach the recorder.)_

 **Red Hood:** _(Blocking a punch from Nightwing.)_ It’s not my fault you get angry when someone calls you out for sleeping around! _(Cries in pain.)_ Let go of my hair you dick!

 **Nightwing:** I do not sleep around!

 **Red Hood:** _(Scoffing)_ Oh really?! Because I know of like ten different people who beg to differ!

_(At this point, Batman intervenes, pulling the two apart, and the recorder fades to black. The screen brightens again, and a young boy, Tim Drake (Alias Red Robin) is seen, upper body sprawled halfway across the table, eyes staring off into the distance. A voice is heard, and a figure, Bruce Wayne (Alias Batman) appears, taking a seat across from the boy.)_

**Batman:** _(Sighing quietly)_ This is incident number thirty-one of ‘Crimes Against Family’, party consisting of Timothy Jackson Drake, alias Red Robin _. (Batman reaches forward, gently nudging Red Robin on the head.)_ Red Robin, what caused the incident? _(The boy jerks up, and shouts while gesturing to himself.)_

 **Red Robin:** _(Admittingly)_ It was me! It was all me! I did it! (He looks at Batman, and hisses) And I’m not sorry about it. _(Batman watches, then leans forward, voice soft.)_

 **Batman:** _(Calmly)_ Red Robin you didn’t do anything. That’s why we’re here. _(Party sits down, confusion on their face.)_

 **Red Robin:** _(Disbelief)_ Wait what? What do you mean, ‘I didn’t do anything’?

 **Batman:** Red Robin, you’ve been staring at a wall for the past six hours. You haven’t even- _(Batman cuts off, shaking his head.)_ Wait, how long has it been since you’ve slept? _(Red Robin shrugs.)_

 **Red Robin:** Dunno…fifty-six hours, give or take an hour. _(He waves a hand around.)_ I don’t keep track. _(Batman folds his hands together, eyes shutting.)_

 **Batman:** _(Exasperated)_ Red Robin, how about you take a nap? _(Red Robin gives a mock salute, already laying back on the table.)_

 **Red Robin:** Aye-Aye boss man.

_(Batman lets out another sigh, and the screen fades once more. The recorder turns on again, and this time, two boys, Jason Todd (Alias Red Hood) and Damian Wayne (Alias Robin) are sitting handcuffed to the table. Bruce Wayne (Alias Batman) sits across from them.)_

**Batman:** _(Tiredly)_ This is incident number eighty-eight of ‘Crimes Against Family’, parties consisting of Jason Peter Todd, alias Red Hood, and Damian Wayne, alias Robin. _(He reaches forward, tugging the cuffs to make sure they’re secure.)_ What caused the incident? _(Neither party says a word. Red Hood is staring off into the distance, Robin is glaring at the camera. Batman clears his throat, repeating his question.)_ I said, what caused the incident? _(Robin scoffs, leaning forward.)_

 **Robin:** _(Confidently)_ I did nothing. I am innocent. _(Red Hood snorts, turning to look at him.)_

 **Red Hood:** _(Amusingly)_ You’re about as innocent as I am pint-sized. _(Party leans forward, getting face to face with the other and speaks menacingly.)_ Which is…Not. At. All. _(Robin glares at the other, and Batman flips a paper onto the table, reading off it.)_

 **Batman:** It says here that you two got into a fight over personal workspace.

 **Red Hood:** _(Rolling his eyes and muttering annoyed.)_ He started it. _(The cuffs jerk against the table, and all eyes move to the small boy.)_

 **Robin:** _(Whispering frostily)_ Take the cuffs off and I will finish it.

 **Red Hood:** _(Mockingly)_ And how are you gonna do that? Nip at my heels like the little ankle-biter you are? _(Robin lets out a cry of anger, hands reaching for the older boy only to be stopped by the cuffs. He turns to Batman, fury in his voice.)_

 **Robin:** _(Enraged)_ Father I demand retribution against Todd! He is mocking me!

 **Red Hood:** _(Copying the other party’s words wryly.)_ ‘Father I demand retribution against Todd…he is mocking me…’ _(Party faces the other, smirking sarcastically.)_ Keep yipping ankle-biter. He might care one day.

_(A long run of beeps sound in the recorder as Robin screams explicit words at the other party. Batman puts his head in his hands, and the recorder goes dark. When the screen appears again, four boys, Dick Grayson (Alias Nightwing), Jason Todd (Alias Red Hood), Tim Drake (Alias Red Robin), and Damian Wayne (Alias Robin), are sitting at the table. It is important to note that Tim Drake and Damian Wayne have been separated by Dick Grayson and Jason Todd, the two younger boys sitting at the ends while the two older boys sit in the middle. Bruce Wayne (Alias Batman) is sitting across from them, a weary look on his face.)_

**Batman:** This is… _(He sighs, running a hand down his face.)_ incident number one-hundred-twenty-two of ‘Crimes Against Family’… _(He shuts his eyes, muttering to himself.)_ Christ how many are we gonna have? _(Batman shakes his head, returning to the task.)_ Parties consisting of Richard John Grayson, alias Nightwing, Jason Peter Todd, alias Red Hood, Timothy Jackson Drake, alias Red Robin, and Damian Wayne, alias Robin. _(Eyeing the others, he asks_ ) What caused the incident? _(None of the boys respond, prompting him to switch tactics.)_ I promise that if you just tell me what happened, you won’t get in trouble. _(Nightwing and Red Hood are looking away, Red Robin is staring at his hands, but Robin’s eyes briefly meet Batman’s. Batman leans closer, urging him to speak.)_ You can tell me Robin, I won’t get upset. _(Robin considers his words for a moment, then his mouth opens. Before he can speak, an arm rests along his chest and he looks over at Red Hood who is shaking his head.)_

 **Red Hood:** _(Warningly)_ Snitches get stiches. _(Robin blinks, then frowns.)_

 **Robin:** Did you just threaten me with bodily harm for telling the truth? _(Another arm rests on his chest and he looks over to see Nightwing grinning at him.)_

 **Nightwing:** There’s no truth to tell, because we didn’t do anything kiddo. _(Robin seems to understand what he is being told, and he turns back to Batman.)_

 **Robin:** I have nothing to say Father. We have not done anything. _(Batman narrows his eyes at the four and leans back in his seat, crossing his arms. He simply stares at them, waiting for something. A ping sounds from somewhere in the room, causing the boys to glance at Batman who smiles, pulling something from his belt.)_

 **Batman:** _(Apologetically)_ Sorry, I should get that. _(He scans the small device, and Red Robin’s eyes widen as he leans forward.)_

 **Red Robin:** Hey! That’s my communicator! _(Batman looks at the device then back to him.)_

 **Batman:** _(Confused)_ Are you sure? It was left on my desk. _(Red Robin nods as the device pings again.)_

 **Red Robin:** Yeah, it’s mine. _(Batman nods.)_

 **Batman:** So then you want it back? _(He reads the screen again.)_ Looks like Conner and Bart are meeting up for pizza later, they want you to go. _(He eyes Red Robin, smiling.)_ I’d be willing to part with it…for information on what happened. _(Red Robin begins to squirm in his seat and lets out a small groan. Red Hood leans forward, glaring at him.)_

 **Red Hood:** _(Threateningly)_ Don’t you dare Timberly. _(Red Robin turns to him.)_

 **Red Robin:** …Jason… _(Red Hood shakes his head.)_

 **Red Hood:** He’s manipulating you Tim. Don’t give in. _(Red Robin seems to have an inner battle until he looks back at Batman.)_

 **Red Robin:** I can meet up with them later. We didn’t do anything. _(Batman nods, eyes moving to Red Hood, who is staring at the ceiling.)_

 **Batman:** Red Hood… _(He’s cut off by Red Hood who chuckles and shakes his head.)_

 **Red Hood:** You might as well move on to Dickhead, old man. _(He tips his head up, looking at Batman.)_ ‘Cause I ain’t got shit to talk about. _(Batman raises his hands in defeat, turning to Nightwing who meets his gaze head on.)_

 **Batman:** Nightwing.

 **Nightwing:** _(Nodding)_ Batman.

 **Batman:** You’re not going to talk, are you?

 **Nightwing:** _(Shaking his head, his voice firm.)_ I don’t have anything to hide. _(He gestures to the others.)_ Neither do they. We didn’t do anything. _(The others nod in unison, and Batman watches for a moment before sighing and nodding.)_

 **Batman:** Alright…I guess I can’t win. _(He rises from the table but pauses and looks down at them.)_ I don’t think I tell you all enough… _(He smiles sincerely.)_ I’m proud of each of you. _(He turns away, making his way to the door when a cry of defeat sounds from behind.)_

 **Red Robin:** It was Dick and Jason! They started it and got Damian and I in on it! _(Two shouts of indignation sound followed by a voice of agreement.)_

 **Robin:** Drake is right! Richard and Todd thought joyriding in the Batmobile would be fun and we got pulled in on it! _(Red Hood lets out a gasp and turns to them.)_

 **Red Hood:** _(Disbelief)_ You little snitches!

 **Red Robin:** _(Scoffing at Red Hood)_ Oh, you had it coming Jason! You’re the one who broke the vase in the hallway!

 **Red Hood:** That was an accident! _(He turns his attention to Batman, now watching the scene unfold.)_ Timber set the fire in the kitchen last week! _(He points at Robin.)_ And the demon is the one who hacked the cameras at the gala!

 **Robin:** That was Richard!

 **Nightwing:** _(He stares at Robin as if he’d been slapped, then points at Red Hood)_ Jason is the one who pantsed Two-Face last night!

 **Red Hood:** _(Pointing at Nightwing)_ You dared me to do it!

 **Nightwing:** _(Speaking knowingly)_ You could’ve said no.

 **Red Hood:** _(Incredulously)_ And be your bitch for a whole day because I was too much of a sissy to do a dare?! _(Glowering at Nightwing at spitting.)_ Fuck. That. We do our dares like badasses!

_(The four boys continue shouting out faults that have occured, resulting in a free-for-all that has an unimpressed Batman turning to the camera, his finger shifting to find the off switch. Sounds of fighting reach the recorder, and the screen goes black.)_


End file.
